Are You a NUSLA Lover?

Get a clue American people. ...... A dog is a dog, not a human being. They stink and they bark too much. Their lives consist of eating, barking and defecating. Most dogs kept as pets in this country spend their lives ignoring any and all instructions, eating their own vomit, obsessively licking their own scrotums and rectums ... and then licking you idiots on the mouths. Why don't you just skip the middle step and spend few minutes a day licking your dog's scrotum and rectum yourself?

Yeah, I realize they give you friendless, anti-social types a "buddy", but, you know, its not really that big a compliment when a dog takes a liking to you. In terms of personal affirmation, being liked by a dog is right up there with ... well ... being humped by a dog. It doesn't mean they like you for your personality traits! They also hump pillows, old car tires, tree trunks, and small children who have been unfortunate enough to have stumbled and fallen within humping range. They "like" anyone who feeds them.

I, personally, do not refer to them as "dogs" any more. I refer to them as NUSLAs (Nasty, Useless, Scrotum-Licking Animals). Dogs are good at disturbing the peace, soiling the carpet, and making it unsafe walk or ride a bicycle around the block without carrying a big stick and being on constant alert for the unleashed ambush dogs that lie quietly in wait at the edge of their neglectful owners' yards. The little ones are usually worse than the big ones. These yappy little butt-lickers tend to wait until innocent passersby get close before they leap out into the street snarling and barking and bearing teeth, rushing in toward the ankles of anyone not ready for the ambush. If the owner of the dog reacts at all, it is usually with some token and completely ineffective verbal comment, like: "Don't worry. He doesn't bite. ... Get back here Fluffy, you bad doggy." Meanwhile, the innocent passerby is trying to recover from heart failure while walking backwards and fending off the nasty, snarling nips at his ankles as nonchalantly as possible. In reality, the passerby has a very strong (and justified) urge to kick the dog's teeth in, breaking its nasty little neck in the process, while loudly advising the owner that there are laws against allowing dogs to run loose within the city limits ... and that "Fluffy" doesn't seem to be moving anymore ... except for that post mortem twitch in one of its paws.

Yes, I know, there are exceptions to every rule, and so there is a small minority of dogs that serve a purpose, and, therefore, should be allowed to co-exist with humans in a civilized society. Seeing-eye dogs are the obvious example. Working sheep dogs are another example. Guard dogs ... that one is debatable. The cost to society may not be worth the benefit (just like hand guns).

And no, there won't be any dogs in heaven. Dogs do not have souls or spirits, just small rudimentary brains. In fact, you may not be there either, if you don't stop caring more about and spending more money on your dog than you spend on helping to feed starving human beings! Do you know what the Bible says about dogs? Nothing good. Among the Bible’s forty references to dogs, not one reference says anything good or complimentary about a dog. The scriptures refer to dogs licking up blood (1 Kings 21:19), licking sores (Luke 16:21) and returning to their own vomit (Proverbs 26:11; 2 Peter 2:22). “Dog” is a title of contempt in scripture (Isaiah 56:10-11; Matthew 15:26), figurative of sinners and of male prostitutes (Philippians 3:2; Deuteronomy 23:18).

Are you an NUSLA lover? If you are, please don’t move into my neighborhood. You should be taken against your will to be "re-educated" in a camp for NUSLA lovers, while somone with an ounce of common sense puts your annoying NUSLA to "sleep". Don't worry. Principles of abnormal psychology and experience with "de-programming" techniques tell us that you can, in fact, recover from your obsession -- from your bizarre, co-dependant relationship with that dirty animal that regularly licks its own balls and then licks you on the mouth.

So please, all you NUSLA lovers: bring it on. Let the hate-mail begin. I think its about time someone in this warped American society we live in stood up and proclaimed that the emperor is not wearing any clothes ... and that dog lovers (especially the ones who love dogs more than they love human beings) are, for the most part, pathetic and ridiculous.

Affectionately but Firmly,
Mr. Grumpy